Jokes

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
>>> Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
>>> slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with
>>> groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the
>>> woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
>>> “So which six items would you like to buy?” Wouldn’t it be great
>>> if that happened more often?!!!
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
>>> my
>>> elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a
>>> 45-minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years
>>> old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”
>>> They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is
>>> that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws
>>> they’ve passed.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
>>> should relax and get used to the idea.”
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked
>>> “When you’re In your casket, and friends and congregation
>>> members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
>>> “
>>> Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful
>>> husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
>>> Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a
>>> wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference
>>> in people’s lives.”
>>> Don said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”
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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is
>>> unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and
>>> picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m
>>> going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
>>> “Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm
>>> down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
>>> remove
>>> a “Curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.
>>> The Wizard says “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
>>> exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
>>> The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you
>>> man and wife.”
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible
>>> is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
>>> The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
>>> The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
>>> The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that
>>> be?”
>>> The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s
>>> poisoning me, what should I do?”
>>> The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to
>>> her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
>>> A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I
>>> spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
>>> You want my advice?”
>>> The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison”

HAPPY HOUR in Newfoundland .


The Newfie saw the sign at the restaurant. It read.... Happy hour special:
Lobster Tail & Beer .
"Lard 'Tunderin' Jaises !" he says to himself, "Me tree favourite tings".

JDW, a goucho? or groucho? OLAY....OH Yes

Ever hear of a Spaghetti Taco?

Don't eat the damned things! They screw you up man.

My car is in here somewhere
Gary



10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

My Grandfather had a bad lung condition. I remember my Gran applying a mixture of grease and petroleum jelly all over his back.
He went downhill pretty quickly after that.

Good ones, guys!