Sombody asked about Weimerisms

This is a collection of random thoughts I had while posting to this site. I have no idea what most of them were in relation to.

Sombody kept them in a folder he named Weimerisms and sent them to me.

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Weimerisms



Shining like a diamond in a Goat's ass.



Like a Sparrow on a Horse Turd



Like Donut Maker or Grave Digger wasting a whole day.



Hell, everybody knows where that is, it's a plain as the nose pressed against the bakery window



Like Bill Clinton on a woman with big ears.



Killed it deader than Al Gore's personality.



But I wouldn't have an SU pump or carburetor up my butt if I had room for the ship they came over on.



You gotta drink Jax in the Big Easy, it's the law.



As we used to say at the dealership, "Them be-backs are hell ain't they?"



I'm not smart enough to think of anything that dumb.



That stuff gets harder than the hammers of hell.



I can't come up to your performance on a matterss Gary. I've had some pretty hot times, but never actually ignited one.



My favorite old group was The Cavemen thumping a hollow log and chanting, "We ain't never gonna have radio!" I don't have a turntable that will handle it any more. It's a 156 RPM stone cutting about the size of a Mexican cart wheel, extremely low fidelety, and uses a saber tooth for a needle. No. I sneaked it out of the store under my shirt.



"hellish low end grunt for such a little runt"





I wish you wouldn't call a toilet a john. Us Johns have been sh!t on so much down through the ages peopled don't even know the difference any more. It all started with John the Baptist and Salomae.



My posts are posting slower than smoke off of sh!t.



OH! I found out my battery is deader than Generalisimo Franco today too.



with an ear to ear smile exposing gapped teeth he could floss with a rawhide boot lace.



Have her wear a cheap wig while riding in the car. Just throw it on the floorboard when you get where you're going.

My wife wouldn't wear a two piece bathing suit, said she didn't want to show her belly button to everyone on the beach. I talked her into putting a tire patch on it and everything was OK after that.



Yes, she's blond.





The white in it is a dead giveaway; Big Bird has finally taken to wing. Flying cows still crap totally green. Really tall cows do too.





Owner neglect.

1. Owner neglects cooling system.
2. Coolant goes acidic.
3. Coolant eats away a portion of head gasket.
4. Water leaks out
5. Idiot light comes on and says "HOT!"
6. Idiot decides he can make it to the next Interstate off ramp or all the way home.
7. Idiot reaches his goal..........with busted head or burned up engine.
8. Idiot whines to mechanic that he drove no more than ten feet after the light came on.
9. Mechanic grins a knowing grin and says, "Cash, check, or credit card?"





When I scared him up he went in that hole like a string of spaghetti into a kids mouth.



What's more, everybody could come up with some kind of proof that they were right. Even those that were wrong were right extept in the eyes of those who were right begin with, but still, even they were wrong in the eyes of the ones who were wrong to begin with. I didn't get into it the last time either because I know I'm right, which makes me wrong in the eyes of those who are right, and those who are wrong.





Author: John D. Weimer (cape-s202.cape-tcc1.clas.net)
Date: 08-07-2002 19:25

PROBOSCIS! A terrifying new movie from the book by Peter Benchley about the entire population of the Atlantic and Gulf Coasts jumping into shark infested waters to escape the deadly proboscis of the West Nile Virus bearing mosquitoes. Hair, teeth, and eyballs all over the place. The entire coastline is poluted by the chum of human blood and guts created by sharks in an unprecedented feeding frenzy caught in gorious Technicolor. The entire nation from Ohio to the Gold Coast, including Canada, takes to driving aging rented, smoking, Yugos, Trabants, and late '80s 3.0 Caravans.

Staring:

John D. Weimer; Our hero who calms the entire North American Continent by chanting, "Screw it" for days on end.

Tony Barnhill; The cool headed ex Army Colonel with a crooked smile, but straight teeth, constantly shouting to confused civilians, "Dont jump up and salute or nothin'. I'm ex you know".

Blake Sonner; A head sucking, Jax beer drinking, Cajun bent on enjoying life no matter what.

Steven Keese: The mad scientest zapping mosquitoes with a particle beam weapon in geosyncrous orbit and moved alternately from Atlantic City to Pennsacola to Jacksonville.

Gary LLoyd; The Battling Baron of B.C. wrapping banana trees in Reynolds Wrap and killing all the mosquitoes he can with the windshield of his trusty MGB.

And a host of characters from the MGB Experince BBS lead by the intrepid Skye Poier, champion of not so common folk and their LBCs



I've never had the chance to say, "Broke flatter than piss on a plate". (You can say pee to clean it up, but it looses a lot of it's impact). I really admire Alex, (Russian), and some of our other friends from far away lands. They speak better English than I do. I've lived in America all my life and if it weren't for slang and profanity I couldn't even communicate. Iya oday elway in igpay atenlay.



(Re: Motorcycle riding) I guess I got feeling at one with the machine alright because I caught myself picking my nose while exiting an S curve on a county road.



working faster than Bill Clintons zipper and driving on the edge of disaster.



Those old gas burners they're phasing out wouldn't pull a greasy string out of a cat's ass and will eat you alive on fuel costs.



the way he was coming out was real bad and he would have hit like a turd from a tall cows' ass.





someone who doesn't know sh!t from apple butter



I don't DRINK the damn stuff, just a tiny taste is plenty. Of course you need an old skraggy cat at hand so you can kiss it's ass and get the bad taste out of your mouth.



Tony has a string hammock on the back porch behind his main garage but if he got in it he'd probably hit the floor like a turd from a Rhyno.



Best bet: make them an offer for one and hang tough as a cheap steak. One of them will come around to your offer.



and Volkswagen had a big roller that worked slick as snot on a doorknob.





The worry and tension while doing it will cause you to pop sweat beads the size of horse turds.



Beats me why they call it the heartland; maybe because no brain can be found here.



We've acquired a bookmobile mechanic. You know how that goes.



Old cheap lime green metalic stuff, but evidentaly tough as an old hide. They'd stand up to 80 MPH chicken bone abrasions as they ran the Chicago to St. Louis to Memphis to Indianapolis circuit picking up welfare checks under diffferent names.



Don't use WD-40, you might as well pee on it as to use that.



If it burns your eyes it's too rich, if it burns your nose it's too lean.



(Chuck) but what will I do whilst I drink my coffee at 4am?

(John) Take a good healthy dump.



Dear, love, kiss, hugg, are four letter words too. They plus a couple of the others get you in trouble later in life.



He was lying faster than a dog can trot.



That looks like your DPO was so dumb he thought lock nuts was a veneral diesease to rig up something like that.



Looks like a chinless hillbilly ready to drink from a water dipper.

Those are good, John, keep up the good work. Jeff Fox Worthy has made a bundle, but he could take lessons from you. :D

Tom T

OMG im laughing so hard over here

JDW,,, I think you taught Tom McCahill his descriptive phrases.

Thanks, John.

Someone needs to add some of the recent ones to that file.

>>>>>>>>

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, john....I needed that!

:)

Damn that brings back some memories, and I still miss Gary

Classic humour. John I thought Skye was setting up a page on this site to preserve these for all time ?.

I never heard anything like that but Wray kept them or even I wouldn't remember most of them. They were just off the cuff triggered by something in the same thread they were in.

That is hilarious, both the sayings and the fact that somebody saved em!

Nobody can say JDW doesn't have character, or is a character!

John, I think we should add POJ to this, with the picture. What do you think!

You wanna get me kicked off the site Bryan?

And miss all those "Weimerisms", no way!

OK, a link ot the picture, with proper warnings.

No way. You're trying to put my ass in a jam here and it ain't gonna happen.

Lost? Just follow me, and turn left a half a mile before I do.

Slicker than owl sh*t

Look at the poop shooter on that one