A Thoughtful Gift For Your Wife

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. . WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us
both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing
as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not
let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
be nt reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit
myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being
stupid.'

If you are done with that (and I think you are) send it to me - my daughter starts dating soon! I want to try it out on her first boyfriend.

As Larry the crocodile in 'Pearls Before Swine' once said, "Dis not proudest moment".

John,

I am not sure it if that's a true story or not but regardless of that fact it was a riot. One of the funniest things I've read in a long time.
If it is true, it taught you one important lesson. Don't screw around with tasers.

Great story

George Herschell

John. That was great. I had to stop reading several times tow clear the tears of laughter, before I could continue reading.

I read this out loud to my girlfriend and daughter. Hilarious!

John, would you post a picture of it? I'd like to get my wife and daughter one, but I want to make sure I get the one you have - obviously, it works!

That one had me cracking up.

Damn... I was laughing so hard I dang near PEE'd myself........

Had my wife read it cause it was so darn funny.....and all she said was humpf... didn't strike her as funny at all.......

women..... sometimes they just make ya shake yer head in wonderment

John, I'm sorry for laughing at you. As I was reading I was thinking, "He's not gonna try this thing out on himself, is he? Oh no, he is!!!" The worst part is I could see myself doing the same thing! (though not anymore) My wife just shook her head and smuggly said, "I knew that would happen. There's no way he'd be able to let go of the trigger once the shocking started."

Now that's funny. And scary. Funny-scary. I've got to get me one of them. Or maybe not.

Grandpapy said "If you're gona be stupid, you'd better be tough!" Glad you survived and I sincerely hope the BOYS turn up soon. You should have video taped it. $10,000 on AFV.