life and how to cope.

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
> content.

> 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

> 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
> it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"

> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
> standing up really fast.

> 6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

> 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live
> with.

> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
> moaner.

> 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

> 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
> get elected.

> 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely
> no trade-in value.

> 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you
> tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

> 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
> person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

> 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

> 16. Everyday I beat my o wn previous record for number of consecutive
> days I've stayed alive.

> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my
> plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

> 18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

> 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and
> lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not
> feeling well?

> 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
> you're on.

> 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
> peeing section in a swimming pool?

> 22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a
> relative.

> 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
> naked?

> 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

> 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
> "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Thanks, Jerry. I feel better now. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to forward this to my E-mail group.

Those are great. I try to live by number thirteen. ;)

Thank the gods that *Reality* is still optional....... of course, I only listen to seven out of the ten voices in my head, on any given day...... you guess which seven..lol

Bashful
Doc
Dopey
Grumpy
Happy
Sleepy
Sneezy

If life is giving you lemons...Go make lemonade and then go find someone whose life is giving them Vodka and have a party.

courtesy of Ron White